The other day I had the horrible experience of shopping for new bras. Like most women I love to shop, but I hate shopping for bras, and only do so when neccesary. When I find one that actually fits, I buy a shitload of them so that I won't have to shop for them again for a year or so. The last time I went bra shopping was about a year and a half ago, so I needed some new ones.

As you might have guessed I am a little top heavy, but they are real, I've never had any kind of surgery in my life. I am a size C, but I'm not fat, I'm just...large. I should also point out that I am fairly short, only 5’2” to be exact. Apparently, this physical feature makes it next to impossible to find an attractive looking bra that actually fits. Unfortunately, women with big chests don’t have the luxury of walking around without one. If we went braless, they would bounce around like crazy and possibly injure someone, not to mention they would eventually hang down to our stomachs, like those African tribal women in the National Geographic magazines. So, yeah, bras are a must.

When I got off work I stopped at the mall and after going through rack after rack of bras in every shape, size and color hanging on those stupid little hangers that get caught on anything, I came to believe that only men design bras. So this blog  goes out to those dumbass male bra designers. If men had boobs, they would understand how frustrating it can be to buy a decent bra, but since men only have balls, they are ignorant and need to be educated.

First of all, whatever inspired men to believe that a woman wants a piece of metal wire shoved under her boobs for ‘support’? Is it some kind of sadistic desire to make  women suffer with those things? Let’s put that same wire in men's  underwear and see how much they like the feel of wire under their balls 24/7. And wht's up with the excess padding? I can understand size A women needing a little extra padding to make up for their small size, but for women over size B it's completely unneccesary, and actually makes things worse for the owner of such a bra.

I realized that day that male bra designers prefer small chested women. I can prove this because it is nearly impossible for anyone with a large chest to find a bra that is even remotely attractive. For those of us who are well endowed, it seems that bras are strictly for support, that is, to hold those mellons up where they belong. Instead of those cute, colorful bras for the smaller women, we get white, black or tan (and sometimes a horrible shade of pink) industrial strength bras that only come with some itchy lace if anything. Let’s put some of that  itchy lace on men's underwear!! And let’s not forget that these giants have shoulder straps that could be used as seatbelts.

It has taken decades for women’s clothing to come in short sizes, but finally it is possible for those of us who are a bit vertically challenged to wear jeans that don’t drag across the fucking ground when we walk.  So, now that we’ve come this far, why the hell haven’t any of these idiot male bra designers figured out that large chested women deserve the same fashion and comfort as their smaller chested sisters? Is it because they are cheapsters? I mean, really, how much can a few extra inches of fabric cost?!

I believe that those shit-for-brains male bra designers imagine that every woman has a chest like Barbie’s. It probably goes back to their childhood when they hid in the closet with their sister’s Barbie dolls. Let’s face it, Barbie's boobs are made of plastic, which makes me wonder if any of these dumbfuck male bra designers have ever even been with a real woman.THEY ARE NOT POINTED!! And they can’t be squeezed into points! So why do they design bras that could pop balloons? Does any woman have boobs which are deformed enough to wear one of these?

Okay,  I feel better now. Thanks for reading, folks. BTW after an hour of trying on a millions of bras, I managed to find a few that fit, although they look like the seat cushions in my car with the seatbelt straps – black, of course. Close